Failed Expectations.

I'm distracted. And I'm troubled. This morning I physically couldn't even finish my breakfast. Why? Because a relationship has failed me. It's failed me because I packed on all these expectations, an end game that wasn't healthy, and now I'm hurt by nothing the other person did, but by what I thought should happen and didn't because I'm not in control. I'm spending my time running through conversations and situations in my head that I could engage in to fix this. I backed it into a corner and now I feel obligated to fix it. Am I obligated to fix it? Probably not. Have I acted in a way that deserves reconciliation? Most likely. 

I'm reminded of Hosea and what a picture of redemption that is. I'm not sure if it's completely applicable here, but it's comforting and convicted. I am Gomer, constantly doing what I want, pursuing my own interests and ultimately failing in the process. And yet The Lord continues to chase after me. To welcome me back when I realized the error of my ways, and even when I haven't. There's no end game with Jesus. He doesn't save us because he wants to personally be responsible for the most number of people in heaven, or because he wants a lot of friends. He saves us because he loves us, and because his love is so great that it can help but turn into the action of saving. 

I am not Jesus. But shouldn't my love for Jesus turn into an all consuming and limitless love for those around me? Yes, most of the time I enter into relationships with people that way. But all too often it so quickly turns to "I'm gonna try and love this person a little extra because I have a crush on them" or "I want her to be my friend so I'm gonna be extra intentional about that one." Why do I do this to myself? It's toxic. Instead of coming out as loving I come off as overbearing and pushy. Instead of drawing people into the person of Christ I scare them away from me. I try to do it all on my own but call it the "love of Christ" or "love for my brother/sister in Christ." 

There are a lot of conversations running through my head, apologies I need to make because I'm selfish. Am I feeling compelled by Christ or compelled by myself? I'm not sure yet. I am thankful that there is grace in relationships. That there is grace in Christ. That I'm able to give myself grace for mistakes because Christ does. I'm called to abide. I'm not called to make my own story, turn my life into a you-choose-the-ending chapter book. Trust and abide. Those are hard concepts, but I will cling to them because they are truth and because I cannot fix the relationships I have soiled with my plans, but God can.