Just 6 days after my college graduation I loaded all my belongings into the back of my friends' baby blue 15 passenger van and moved 45 minutes down the road to the one stop light town of Floyd.
If you know me at all you're probably thinking, "Girl...you love Floyd. How can that be a silly thing to do?!"
You're right. I LOVE Floyd. Loved it since the second Dave Sloop called me on my way back to Blacksburg after spring break my freshmen year of college and told me I was going to lead WyldLife there. But y'all - moving to a one stop light town in the mountains of southwest Virginia is something else.
I came into this gig so excited. My life in Blacksburg had become tumultuous (thank you sin and living with 5 girls!) and, to be completely honest, as I was loading my things into the back of that van I was running away. I was running away from the mess and hurt I associated with Blacksburg and had adopted a "the grass is greener mentality" about my new home (I legit moved my move date up two weeks just to get out...).
Sometimes I think the Lord just looks down at us and shakes his head laughing when we think like that.
Seriously.
In college this place was my comfort. Even in the hard times it was so so sweet to me (hence the overly used Instagram hashtag #sweetsweetFC). All my best friends were here (even though most of them were under the age of 13), my community was here, the mountains were here, I discovered my career here, I belonged here. I didn't belong in Blacksburg, but I BELONGED here. I knew without a doubt that THIS place was where the Lord has placed me. My love for this place was not my own, but it was instilled so deep with in me by Him, and I was sure of that.
And yet, when I moved here. It was lonely. It was slow. It was empty. I sat on my front porch and realized that in a lot of ways my paradise that I had run away to was not all that much different than the desert I had tried to run away from. As I realized that it felt like God was shaking his head and laughing at me. "You silly, silly human," he was thinking.
Loneliness is hard. Especially when it is coupled with shattered expectations. And man, has it been a lonely nine months. Not all the time - we have many nights in our house filled with laughter, fun, and togetherness. I have many days spent with families that have "adopted" me, whom I love dearly. I have many lunch dates with my little buddies who mean the world to me. Painting adventures with girls that are like my sisters. Coffee dates with women who are much wiser than I. And yet, the recurring theme of my last nine months is that I'm lonely. It makes those sweet times so, so much sweeter, but the other times still sting just as deeply.
I made my girls memorize Psalm 23 this summer (we only got about half way through, but that's progress, so I'm proud).
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters
He restores my soul
He leads me on paths of righteousness
For his name's sake
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
I will fear no evil
For you are with me
Your rod and your staff they comfort me
You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup overflows
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever
I love this Psalm. Its become kind of a cliche t-shirt Psalm, but I love it so much. When you really let those words marinate on your heart the comfort that is embedded in them is divine. So. Much. Comfort.
The LORD is my shepherd. I shall not want.
In my loneliness. In my hurt. In my joy. In my despair. In my success. The LORD is my shepherd and I shall not want.
I shall not want for peace. For comfort. For companionship. For restoration. For provision. I shall not want. I lack nothing.
I memorized this Psalm in the 8th grade as a part of my confirmation class. It has amazingly stuck in my mind verbatim since then, but I've never really pressed into it or appreciated the divine weight and glory of the words. Life will be hard. I will walk through death, find myself in the presence of my enemies, need correcting, but in all of that - the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want.
As I look back on this lonely season I see it filled with pain. It is heartbreaking to believe that you are alone while everyone around you seems not to be. But in this time I've learned two very important things:
1. We all feel alone
2. I'm not alone
The people around me experience loneliness just like I do. I'm not the only one. We all perceive in one way or another that we're the only one. It's a hard thought pattern to break - but it's true - because....
I'm not alone.
The Lord is my shepherd. A shepherd is always with his sheep. He doesn't just point me in the direction of green pastures and quiet waters, he leads me, he walks along side me to those places.
I'm still lonely. It's still hard to be a young, single, fresh college grad in a small, mountain, one stop light town surrounded by young families and engaged couples, but even in that loneliness and that pain - the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want. And there is comfort in that.
(The title is an ode to Colony House and their incredible new album and they're kind of fire so just look them up. You'll be thankful you did.)
